Life Update

I finished paramedic school last spring, and as I had not applied for jobs last year (for personal reasons), I'm still not working as a medic. As much as I am disappointed about the delay, I did have valid reasons for the decision. In the meantime, I'm teaching first aid courses and staring longingly at every ambulance that passes by my window. Hirings are beginning to start again though, and I am applying for everything right now. Fingers crossed!

Two years

Two years ago when we started this program, our professors told us that by the time we finished, we would be different people. We would speak differently, act differently and view the world differently. Change is inevitable after learning all we have and seeing all we have.

In the last two years, I have made some amazing friends, as well as realized that it's okay not to like everyone. I have seen beautiful babies born to ecstatic parents, and walked into a heart-rending scene where a father decided he and his infant son should no longer live. I have held my father's hand as he passed away, my fingers on his weakening pulse as my family cried around us. I have comforted those who have experienced the same, while holding back my own tears at the memory. I have married a wonderful man and adopted an adorable, if not crazy, black lab.

In two years, almost everything in my life has indeed changed. I am a changed person, I do indeed speak, act and think differently. I am incredibly glad to be done so I can start my career, start making money again, and break free of school. I will miss the people though, I love my classmates, my teachers and my preceptor. Wonderful, wonderful people who have walked with me through the last two years, it will be sad when we have to say goodbye.

Life goes on, one way or another.

The semester is almost over, and I am immensely grateful for that. The last few months have been incredibly hard and I will be glad for a rest.

I found my clinical shifts to be the hardest part. Week after week, I was placed in situations that reminded me of the weeks I spent with Dad in the hospital, watching him fade. I almost left my ICU shift shortly after I walked in, I simply wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotions that washed over me. I was close to tears, and it was sheer stubbornness that carried me through. After every shift I would spend the evening in tears, then fall into a restless, nightmare filled sleep. Getting up in the morning was nearly impossible.

The week after I returned to class, we began a lecture on multi system organ failure. For the next 4 hours, I sat in turbulent silence as my professor described, in minute, physiological detail, how and why Dad eventually died. Although a few tears escaped, I would not leave the classroom. I was too stubborn to admit that it was affecting me so badly, and too proud to ask for any allowances. I regret that now. I should have let myself go home to grieve in peace.

The semester will be over soon, I will have passed everything. My background in life sciences and as a first responder has allowed me to move through the term on autopilot, which I am eternally thankful for. Next year, I will be back to my normal self, and will not only pass everything, but once more, excel in everything. Dad would have been proud.

It is so hard.

It is hard to watch a patient struggle for breath, fighting the life-giving mask strapped to their mouth.

It is hard to watch vital signs change, knowing what they mean although those around you continue on in blissful ignorance.

It is hard to catch the looks passed between doctors and nurses, the knowing, sympathetic, hopeless looks that pierce to the soul.

It is hard to see a patient struggle to form words as a tumour slowly compresses nerves, making speech a veritable impossibility.

It is hard to watch a strong man fade, to know that the still joking man before you is facing near impossible odds.

It is hard to convince a patient to eat and drink since the majority of nutrients will be sucked away by the terrible invading force occupying his increasingly frail body.

It is hard to spend hour after hour, day after day, watching him fade further and seeing the faint glimmer of hope grow more distant.

It is hard to get the hospital smell washed off your clothes, your body and your hair, a constant, grim reminder of where you spend your long, dark days.

It is hard to tell a 12 year old that her father is dying, hard to hear her ask if that means she will have to walk down the aisle alone.

It is hard to tell family members that there is very little hope, and to call them in from all areas of the country to say their final farewells.

It is even harder when it is your family.

It is even harder when it is your father.

I Passed!!

Thank God that is over! I passed it all and am going to spend the next few weeks eating and sleeping. I may go for a walk or at least sit up occasionally, but we'll see. Woot!

Lift Test Tomorrow....

I will pass it or die trying.

Seriously.

I will haul that 190 lb beast up and down the stairs on the stair chair, up and down stairs on the stretcher, then throw it into the back of the ambulance triumphantly.

I will pass or die trying.

Examination Blues

Exam time is here, I am getting ridiculously stressed. I was never this nervous in university, although I got lower marks than I am getting now. This program just means so much more to me than uni did. Failing out is not an option, my standards are set incredibly high. The college also has high standards though, as anything less than 70% is considered a fail.

Tomorrow morning is the final fitness testing. Among other things, I will be running, doing push ups and doing chin-ups at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I'm not the greatest runner in the world, so this has me concerned. If it was purely strength based, I'd be ok. I thought Paramedics didn't run, so why subject us to the torture of a shuttle run??? Grr...

We also have lift tests, practical tests and theory tests. Lift testing is challenging, but I have done them all in practice. It was such an amazing high last week, I was able to carry 210 lbs up and down 2 flights of stairs, then lift 300lbs up and down one flight. I feel like a tank, I've never been stronger in my life.

Practical testing is stressful, but a good score is not unobtainable. Follow the check sheet during a simple scenario and pass easily.

Theory tests - I have 4 of them in 3 days. Written exams, all worth a substantial percentage of the final mark, all of them needing a minimum of 70% to pass. My goal is nothing less than 90%. Study, study, study!


I thank God for Ryan at this time, but must also apologize to him. He is the one who sees me at my most stressed, the one I call and cry to when I get overwhelmed. He is the one who sees me cranky and irritable, yet the one who still loves me.

I am sorry for being so cranky lately, dear, you mean the world to me and I shouldn't release my stresses on you. I appreciate your support immensely and love you with all my heart. XOXO