Dispatch

In what dispatch language is "general weakness" code for "man fell off roof 8-10 feet onto concrete, landing on his head, now unconscious and bleeding."?

Useless

It's been an incredibly long, challenging, rewarding and amazing 2 months. The biggest thing that I have learned though, is how unbelievably useless I am in so many situations. I have no lasting ability to improve my patient's lives, I cannot fix their chronic disease, and what bothers me the most is that I can't even take away their pain.

I felt so useless to see her, a tiny teenager, twisted up from a chronic, unfixable ailment, now suffering from intense abdominal pain. She was a frail, beautiful, intelligent girl, in so much pain that she was drenched in sweat and and any movement made her cry out. A cry that pierced my very soul, an expression of sheer torment that I was powerless to stop.

I am thankful for my partner that night, he can come across as a bit of an arrogant jock, but tonight he was pure teddy bear. Lifting her gently, arranging her twisted limbs in a more comfortable position, driving at a snail's pace across the speed bumps and potholes to limit her inevitable pain.  I just wish I could have done more for her. She lay on my stretcher for that interminable 20 minute ride, crying that piercing cry with every bump, every turn. I wanted so badly to soothe her pain, to take away her agony, but was powerless to do so. Instead, I merely watched and waited for the hospital lights, trying in vain to not let that cry settle permanently in my heart.

Unconscious Drunk Guys are Heavy.

Working mostly weekend nights I'm seeing a lot of intoxication and the resultant stupidity. If I did drink, I think that seeing the incredibly moronic behaviour that results would turn me off for good! One thing that all drunk guys should learn is that talking to another guy's girlfriend usually results in said guy attempting to rearrange your face. When standing in front of a cement ledge, it tends to get a lot worse on the way down.

When we got there, 250 lbs of intoxication was laying neatly on the sidewalk, rolled in the perfect recovery position by a bystander who was concerned about the blood gurgling out of his mouth. I do love it when people do first aid before I arrive, it makes me feel like teaching first aid classes during the week is making a difference.

We ended up doing a rather messy lift once he was backboarded and on stretcher, and as a result, it ended up impacting against my leg rather hard. I don't bruise easily, but when I do, it looks bad! For scale, it's the size of my hand.

 

Mirror Image

I'm finishing up my weekend and heading back into my run of shifts, and the familiar nerves are back. Ever since I was around 10 y/o, I looked at paramedics in awe in the hope that one day I would be one. Now, it's hard to believe that I am the person who shows up when somebody calls 911. I wonder if the poor bugger who sees me walk through the door sees my nerves and inexperience, or if they see confidence and the uniform. I know what I see when I look in the mirror.

Calming Nerves

First few weeks of shifts are behind me, and I am proud to report that I haven't killed anybody yet! Seriously though, I'm still nervous, but it feels good to have even a couple weeks of experience. One of the things that concerned me the most was the one thing we never did as students - driving. It always seemed like it would be a big jump, driving a large vehicle lights and sirens on the first shift with no experience. It isn't that bad though, just have to keep it slow and expect other drivers to do the opposite of what they are supposed to do. One of my first lights-and-sirens drives was a stat transfer to a pediatric hospital an hour away with a doctor, nurse and a woman in 30-week labour. The doc told us that they had managed to get her labour stopped, but we had about 45 minutes before they expected it to start again, and they REALLY needed to be at the hospital with the NICU when that happened. Thank God it was a beautiful day, not at rush hour, and the roads were good, because it went well. Not perfectly, but well. Fighting off the throat/chest infection of a lifetime now after a weekend of patients with pneumonia, so here's hoping I get better instead of worse so I can make my weekend shifts.

Finally Hired!!

Finally got a job as a paramedic! I'm super excited, and completely terrified.

Every night for the last week, I've had "the first call" dream. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn't, but always, Matt is there to save my ass. I'm so used to having a preceptor there to save me!

I'm scared of screwing up, making a mistake, or getting a bad reputation. At the same time, I'm excited and can't wait to get out there. If I don't stroke out first, that is.

Two Different Worlds

Today after our church potluck, we started to clean up the room, as per usual. I started to stack chairs when I realized I was getting some strange looks from the older men who were also stacking. Looking around, I was the only woman doing this relatively physical chore, while the other woman were in the kitchen cleaning the dishes. I remarked to my pastor that it felt odd to get the feeling that I wasn't supposed to be doing the physical work, when I do so much worse at work. He chuckled and agreed, but basically shrugged it off, as it is an older church and it is not an uncommon attitude. Sometimes it can be difficult to mesh the two worlds I seem to live in. I work in a very challenging field, doing challenging work in challenging circumstances. Then when I go to church, I am a sweet church-going woman who is expected to let the men lift the chairs while I do the dishes. It's hard to do that sometimes, as I know that in an emergency, not only would I manage the entire situation, I could also lift any one of those guys who was looking at me strangely. I may eventually be able to combine both, the kick-ass paramedic and the sweet church woman who bakes the potluck favourites, but I don't seem to be able to right now. They just seem like polar opposites, and the people on each side certainly don't understand what the other side is like.